The Real Online Dating Experience Series: Male Case Study #1 (Interview #3)

The Real Online Dating Experience Series: Male Case Study #1 (Interview #3)

First, click here to find out everything you need to know about this series.

Then, read the previous interviews to catch-up.

Previous Interviews:  Male Case Study 1: Interview #1 (Introduction), Female Case Study 1: Interview #1 (Introduction), Male Case Study 2: Interview #1 (Introduction)Female Case Study 2:  Interview #1 (Introduction), Male Case Study 1: Interview #2 (Profile and First Matches), Female Case Study 1:  Interview #2 (Profile and First Matches), Male Case Study 2:  Interview #2–Profile and First Matches), Female Case Study 2:  Interview #2–Profile and First Matches

Male Case Study 1:  Interview #3 (Dating, etc.)

Tiger’s Eye lets women know what the first date should and should NOT be.

I’d love to hear about your best (or worst) first date!

Q1:  How long did it typically take for you to meet a person face-to-face after being matched? [He’s being difficult, but I’m going to get through this the best that I can.]

Tiger’s Eye:  A week or two.

Q2 (Follow-up):  What made you feel comfortable with meeting a woman after only a week or two?

Tiger’s Eye:  I’m a man.  I wasn’t scared.  If I was chatting with a woman, I didn’t feel there was any reason not to meet her in person.  If we’d been talking for awhile during the open communication stage [of eHarmony] and we both felt comfortable, then the next stage was to meet. [I push him a little thinking this can’t be all there is to it.]  If I liked the conversation or what I read in a woman’s profile or most times if I’ve been talking on the phone…If you can make a lady laugh, then you know you’ve made her feel comfortable.

Q3:  How did your friends and family react when they learned that you were going on a date with someone you’d met online?

Tiger’s Eye:  My family didn’t say much because they didn’t know much about online dating.  My friends thought it was good because they got to live through me.  My male friends…I would show them a few pictures and they would be like, wow, you’re single, you’re a nice looking guy, and you make good money, date them all.  But they also said I was too nice.

Q4 (Follow-up):  Explain what you mean by “they got to live through me.”

Tiger’s Eye:  Married guys were like, wow man you get to go on all of these dates.  Single guys were like, report back to me about how it goes.  Maybe I’ll try it.  They were married or locked in a relationship, but they were looking at me and saying that I got to go out with all of these women.

Q5 (Follow-up):  Do you think your friends were envious or unhappy?

Tiger’s Eye:  No envy at all.  It’s just the age that we live in now.  There’s an abundance of women in all colors, shapes, and sizes, and if you’re a single man, then you can have it all.  They [his friends] would say if you had your own place and you weren’t broke, if you were able to get out of a marriage and continue the lifestyle you enjoy and still take care of your children, then date them all…but be careful.

Q6 (Follow-up):  What did you think you needed to be cautious about?

Tiger’s Eye:  Just protect yourself.  I knew for myself that the main thing was to protect my children.  I knew I could protect myself. Falling for physical beauty and not understanding inner beauty.  I didn’t want to fall for that.  I wanted to be with someone who was health conscious and someone who was looking to the future and not just living day-to-day. 

Q7:  Typically how did you prepare for a first face-to-face meeting? [He sighs and starts playing around with his computer.  Here we go…]

Tiger’s Eye:  I would hope that she’d be outgoing, energetic, and open to revealing a little about herself.  I didn’t want to have to sit there and carry the conversation.  Right off the bat, I wanted to see if the person was willing to reveal something about herself because I was coming out of a situation where my ex-wife didn’t reveal much about herself, and I didn’t want to go down that road again.

Q8:  What were you usually most concerned about before a first meeting?

Tiger’s Eye:  I always had an open mind.  Growing up in New York, being in the service for a time, I always tried…I am very judgmental, but I did at least try to be open-minded.  I had nothing to hide.  My profile was truthful.  I hoped that I would meet someone that was honest too. [He’s silent for a moment.] But women should realize that most of these guys are not truthful.  We live a world now where women are so desperate to have someone.  Women are very good at telling their own story and men are good at hiding information.  We tell you things that make you feel good about yourself.  We give little of ourselves in return.  So we keep a short leash on our passion, our connectivity…and relationship building.  That’s why it’s so easy for us to walk out and say goodbye. [Surely there are some men who don’t focus so much on hiding themselves, right? I wonder if I’ve given men too much credit all these years…and when did women become so desperate?  Have I ever felt truly desperate to be with someone?  This talk of desperate women rubs against my image of all the extraordinary women I actually know.  Are women really as desperate as men seem to think?  If so, I’m downright pissed because I don’t want them to be.]

Q9 (Follow-up):  When a lying man sits down to talk to a desperate woman on a first date, what happens?  Tell me about that. [I dare him to make it all make sense to me.]

Tiger’s Eye:  It depends on what kind of first date they are having.  [Huh?  Explain.]  If my first date with you is the most action you’ve had in two months, then I gotcha.  [Mouth open…mine that is.]  If my first date, and I’ll be lenient here, if my first date with you goes past four hours, then you are telling me that you have no plans—not really much of a life because you haven’t planned your day.  Your day is dependent on how far I want to take the date.  So right off the bat, you’ve put me in control. Now I know if I want to spend an hour, four hours, or eight hours with you, it’s up to me to make that decision.  You have given me that power.  [You mean there’s more?]  If you are revealing everything to me on the first date, then after just one date, I already know the complexity of your makeup.  I know if you’re going to be easy or not.

Q10 (Follow-up):  Define “easy?”

Tiger’s Eye:  I want to be clear here.  I’m not saying that you can’t have a long-term relationship with a man if he decides that you’re easy—physically easy to get.  But you’d better believe that in the back of every man’s mind is that we’d like to have a challenge, but we’ll take easy every time.  The only time we might turn easy down is if the woman insists on using a condom.  As men, we feel we’re invincible. [If all this is true, then their egos are larger than I ever imagined!] If you meet a man on a first date, don’t take him to your home.  Mistake.  Period.  If you allow a man to lead you into sexually explicit conversations before you even know each other…Mistake.  If you’re reading a man’s profile and you are off to a date on the same day, then you have issues.  Loneliness.  Boredom.  Desperation.  We can read this. Besides, you’re not thinking about your own safety.  If you drink too much on the first date…because women become weaker or back to the word “easy”…Too much drinking on the first date will make you have bad memories on the next day or…they could be good.  [He smirks, laughs.  I’m not in a laughing mood.  This is serious.] If our first date ends up in a club and you become my dancing pole…Mistake.  My friends who are at least six feet tall say the big mistake women make is they are after someone who is six feet and le the man know it.  Once the man realizes it, then they’re dead in the water.  [There’s no time to let this all sink in right now.  I’ll just go with it.]

Q11 (Follow-up):   Are you just talking about height or can this apply to any physical feature?

Tiger’s Eye:  It’s not unique to men who are six feet or taller.  Let me explain.  See, men will take women who are five feet, six feet…big breasts, little breasts…short hair, long hair.  I guess what I want to say is that as men, we don’t put women in just one category.  We don’t get fixated on one feature like women do.

Q12 (Follow-up):  What would be a good “safe” first date for a woman?

Tiger’s Eye:  First of all, women should pick the place.  They should pick the place where they feel comfortable and remember that it’s a meet and greet, a couple of hours, a first date.  Period.  Second, let him remain seated as you walk away.  Now you have control.  Now, we can’t wait for that second date.  Remember as men, we have fantasies too and the fantasy is the chase.  What I’m trying to say is when we meet you, let’s do our meet and greet.  Then you should leave us wishing. [I like this.  I can imagine my date watching me walk away.]

Q13:  Sometimes things aren’t always the way they seem to be.  Describe a situation where the person wasn’t what you expected?

Tiger’s Eye:  Them damn glamour shots.  They get you every time.  Let me see, I was sitting at Starbucks.  She came in and I think she’d just finished painting or cleaning or something.  There I was dressed business casual. She was an investment manager but she looked bummy.  I think she should have cleaned up a little bit.  But I never had a problem with a woman on the first date.  I was always able to get a second date.  I was really selective.  I never really had a bad first meet-up.  I mean if you put some effort and time into reviewing the matches’ profiles and into talking on the phone, I think by the time you meet someone for the first time, you should know who you are meeting. It’s all about how honest they are.

Q14:  Describe a situation where the person was exactly as you expected?

Tiger’s Eye:  My wife period…my wife period…my wife period.  Let me explain.  Challenging.  Smart.  Engaging.  Experienced.  Wise.  Intriguing.  Bold.  Aggressive.  Consistent.  Educated.  Independent.  She was open to leading a better life.  Her concept of life was to get everything out of it that you can.  What I remember most is before I met her, she said one thing to me:  “I don’t want to live the next 20 years the way I’ve lived the last 20 years.”  After about 40 hours of conversation on the phone before we met, I was able to build a picture in my mind that turned out to be real.  [See, people really can find each other through an online dating site.]

Q15 (Follow-up): Your wife?  So you met your wife online?

Tiger’s Eye:  Yes.  Let me put it this way.  When I saw the picture of my wife, a white light flashed in front of me. [I ‘m laughing again now because I assume he’s joking.  I ask him if he’s kidding.]  Nope.  I married her didn’t I? I saw a picture of my little doll after a few weeks of communication via eHarmony’s email. Physical attraction is important, but sometimes you can fall in love without it.

Q16:  Has a person ever told you that you weren’t what they expected and how did you handle the situation?

Tiger’s Eye:  Yes, women said I talked too much.  Some women called me too straight and narrow, too square, too nice.  I’d just laugh and say to myself, wow, I’m from Brooklyn.  They just don’t know.  I’ve been around the world and I’m too straight and narrow? They would say I’m easy going, polite, fun to be with, and then they’d ask me why I’m out here.  Women called me uppity.  They said I read too much. [What’s wrong with reading?  Gosh.]

Q17:  Let’s hear about your most memorable dates.  Tell me about at least two that you’ll never forget.

Tiger’s Eye:  On one date with a nice lady…I believe we’d had dinner or she liked chocolates…Yeah, I took her to a place so she could buy chocolates for her son.  As we were leaving the candy store walking up the street, I realized I was on the wrong side.  I was walking on the inside [next to the building] while she was walking on the outside beside the street.  So I just touched her arm to let her know that she should move to the inside, and she just started acting crazy in the street.  She pulled her arm away and told me not to touch her.  She said she just didn’t let men touch her and that I didn’t ask her if I could touch her.  She said I didn’t have permission to touch her, and then she called her girlfriend.  Her girlfriend told me that she really didn’t like men touching her unless she gave them permission.  So I told her girlfriend I was only trying to gently move her to the inside so that I could walk on the outside like any gentleman would.  [Is it me?  Does this scene seem crazy to you?  It sure seems silly to me, but let’s keep going to see if there’s some sanity at the end of this date.] After that I just told her that I thought it would be best if took her back to her car.  I walked her back to the valet, she got in her car and left.  It just didn’t work.  I never saw her again.  About a month later, she called me to invite me to her birthday party.  I just listened, but I didn’t go.  [He laughs.  I’m still waiting for some sanity to show up, but it’s nowhere to found. ] I thought she was nice until she started trippin.  When a man tries to be a gentleman and a woman just goes crazy…There are some women who just don’t care if a man is a gentleman or not.  [I can’t believe this!]

Q18 (Follow-up):  Are you sure you didn’t touch her inappropriately?

Tiger’s Eye:  No.  Next question.

Q19:  What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you on a date?

Tiger’s Eye:  When you meet someone who is not like their profile at all, I think it’s bad for both people.  Sometimes when you’re talking to a person, you realize that what was in the profile just wasn’t true. I think this happened to me maybe twice.

Q20:  What’s the absolute best thing that’s ever happened to you on a date?

Tiger’s Eye:  I got a chance to have a second date with the women who is now my wife.  [That’s special, really. So sweet.]

Q21:  How many dates did it usually take for you to feel comfortable with physical intimacy?

Tiger’s Eye:  Me? Shoot, how many dates…I don’t know if the woman wanted to give it up, then you take it.  A date should only last maybe two hours max.  If we’re going on six hours or more, then we’re probably going to be doing something. [I guess physical intimacy is just sex to him.  Let me ask.  Maybe I’m wrong.]

Q22 (Follow-up):  What does physical intimacy mean to you?

Tiger’s Eye:  Touching, feeling, kissing. When I started online dating, I felt like most guys.  I felt that when a woman got close to you, it meant she wanted to have sex.  It might sound elementary, but I took physical touch as saying a woman wanted more.  But I was wrong.  I learned from my wife that physical intimacy could mean a simple touch or just being close.  It was a new approach for me.  She was the first woman to tell me that just because she allowed me to touch her, it didn’t mean we were going to have sex. [This is elementary! Men should know this already.]

Q23 (Follow-up):  Why do you think it’s so difficult for men to realize this about women?

Tiger’s Eye:  That’s how we are brought up.  That’s how we are taught.

Q24:  Tell me about any regrets you have related to the online dating experience. 

Tiger’s Eye:  Any regrets?  I have no regrets.  It worked out for me.

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