The Real Online Dating Experience Series: Female Case Study #1 (Interview #3)

The Real Online Dating Experience Series: Female Case Study #1 (Interview #3)

First, click here to find out everything you need to know about this series.

Then, read the previous interviews to catch-up.

Previous Interviews:  Male Case Study 1: Interview #1 (Introduction), Female Case Study 1: Interview #1 (Introduction), Male Case Study 2: Interview #1 (Introduction)Female Case Study 2:  Interview #1 (Introduction), Male Case Study 1: Interview #2 (Profile and First Matches), Female Case Study 1:  Interview #2 (Profile and First Matches), Male Case Study 2:  Interview #2–Profile and First Matches), Female Case Study 2:  Interview #2–Profile and First Matches, Male Case Study 1:  Interview #3 (Dating, etc.)

 

Female Case Study 1:  Interview #3 (Dating, etc.)

Honeysuckle talks about how men who play video games made her want to run!

What kinds of things spell trouble for you when you are getting to know someone?

 

Q1:  How long did it typically take for you to meet a person face-to-face after being matched?

Honeysuckle:  Oh that’s a good one.  Wow.  For me it’s usually dependent upon our conversation on the phone…how our phone conversation flows and I’m never the one to suggest that we meet.  Anywhere from a week to…the longest it’s been is a month.

Q2 (Follow-up):  What kind of vibe did you need to have on the phone in order to feel ready to meet face-to-face?

Honeysuckle:  Well, it depends on if they seemed mature, sincere…if they made me laugh.  So basically those things and also depending on if during the course of the conversations they haven’t told me anything crazy about themselves.  One guy I talked to for over a week, and I was enjoying talking to him.  The conversation was great.  We liked a lot of the same things—books, movies, same take on relationships.  But he messed it up when he told me he played video games and worked part-time at GameStop…45 years old! [I can hardly type this.]  Girl, I’m telling you, at that point, I just felt despair and hopeless. I started to feel hopeless about the dating pool.

Q3 (Follow-up):  What’s wrong with playing video games?  If you have a problem with this, it rules out almost every guy I know  in his 20s, 30s, 40s, and even 50s in some cases?

Honeysuckle:  Well it’s hard for me to take you seriously if you play video games.  My son plays video games.  It’s okay if it’s just a child’s video game…  if you are playing with a child, but not if you own every game.  Usually, if I meet a guy who tells me he plays video games, a lot of bones pop out of the closet.  Yes.  [I ask her to share some of these bones?]  The men I meet who play video games..It’s not very long before I realize they are very immature when it comes to dealing with a woman.

Q4 (Follow-up):  Are you talking about excessive gaming?

Honeysuckle:  If a man tells you that he owns multiple game systems and just bought the latest game, run.  Do not pass go.  Do not collect $200 dollars.  Run.  Seriously.  [There’s too much laughter for me to type everything she says, but you get the gist.]  Even my ex-husband…I should’ve run.  He played video games all day.  When my son to visit his father for the summer, he came back and said my father plays video games more than I do.  That’s a problem.

Q5:  How did your friends and family react when they learned that you were going on a date with someone you’d met online?

Honeysuckle:   First of all, I don’t share with my family because they would worry.  Because most of them don’t understand the concept of online dating.  My friends, however, do it themselves.  i learned from them.  My friends are usually excited.  They want to know the outcome.  There’s always a plan if I go on a date.  I take pictures of where I am to be safe.

Q6:  Typically how did you prepare for a first face-to-face meeting?

Honeysuckle:  I prepared more mentally than physically.  I preferred to do something simple like meet me at a park or bar.  I’ve met people at the bookstore before.  It’s more mental where I just try not to be negative and hope that I would see the actual person.  There are people who will send you a different picture that doesn’t look anything like them.  I let people [friends] know where I was and I confirmed this with whomever I was supposed to be meeting.  I just tried to keep an open mind when I met the person.

Q7:  What were you usually most concerned about before a first meeting?

Honeysuckle:  That the person is as interesting in person as he was on the phone.

Q8:  Sometimes things aren’t always the way they seem to be.  Describe a situation where the person wasn’t what you expected?

Honeysuckle:  Let me see.  I met someone for a drink and he was much older than I thought he was.  Either that or he had a hard life AND he was at least two inches shorter than me.  If you’re 5’11 and I’m 5’7, I should be able to wear flat shoes and not be taller than you.  The first thing he said was, “How tall are you?”  I was like, really?  My theme song is getting ready to be Y’all gone make me lose my mind.  [She’s referring to the song “Up In Here” by DMX].

Q9 (Follow-up):  How did you handle this situation?

Honeysuckle:  I knew that the date was going to be very brief.  Instead of walking away, I had a drink with him.  The conversation was awkward, and I won’t even tell you the part about how he was trying to act like he didn’t want to come out of his pocket [I shake my head.  This brings back bad memories of cheap men!]   Then he had the nerve to say, “ I think we’re a good match. I wanted to look around to see if he was talking to someone else.”  [My stomach hurts from laughing too hard.]  I’m just over this whole dating situation.

Q10:  Describe a situation where the person was exactly as you expected?

Honeysuckle:  [She sighs.]  You mean physically?  Let me see.  [I tell her there’s no limit on the qualities you can consider.]  That’s hard to answer because honestly I tried not to have any expectations—no real expectations. I tried to keep an open mind, but for the most part, most of them have been the same in person conversationally as they were on the phone.  It’s hard to say.  Thinking back, a lot of them are behind me now.  So technically they weren’t what I expected. At this point, all I can do is go into it trying not to be negative.

Q11 (Follow-up):  It sounds like you have had more disappointments than anything else.  Have there been ANY good experiences so far?

Honeysuckle:  There have been a lot of good experiences…You know…But then it ends up to being things that I know won’t last in the end.  I’ll give you a couple of examples.  One guy I really liked.  We enjoyed each other’s company.  He started showing me that he was really jealous.  He’d come over to my house and ask me who I was talking to on the phone and demand that I tell him who I was talking to on the phone.  Let me see.  Who else? One ended up having a criminal record.  No, two of them had been in jail. [I need a little break to digest this, but I have to keep typing.]  There have been more than a few, who showed their true colors, when they showed me that all they wanted was something physical. Their end game was physical.

Q12 (Follow-up):  Is the desire to be physical really a bad thing?

Honeysuckle:  No, not bad at all.  However, if you tell me you’re looking for something different, but all you really want is the same ole, then that’s a problem.  My rule is say what you mean and mean what you say.  Give me the opportunity to choose if that’s all you want.  If you all want is something physical, then be upfront about what you’re coming for.  Respect me enough to let me make my own decision about if I want to do that.  Don’t play games.

Q13:  How many dates does it usually take for you to feel comfortable with physical intimacy?  [Since the topic of getting physical comes up, I’m asking this next question now instead of when I’d planned to later in the interview.]

Honeysuckle:  [She busts out laughing.]  That’s a loaded question.  OMG!  Wow, I’ve got lots of…I can keep it short.  Definitely a case-by-case-by-case basis.  Absolutely.  I usually tried to wait for the other shoe to drop.  Things were going well initially.  I tried to wait for the other shoe to drop because odds were that within the first two to four weeks, if they are going to mess up, I’d see the signs.  But granted, again, it’s a case-by-case-by-case by-case basis.  [All I can think is tell me more.]

Q14 (Follow-up): You really haven’t answered my question.  I want some numbers—days, weeks…hours. [You know I’m laughing now, but hey, anything can happen in a few hours.]

Honeysuckle:  It was always different and to be honest I definitely did not get physical with a lot of them.  There have only been a few. [I look expectantly.  I’m still waiting for my answer.]  Okay, I mean. [She is just trying not to answer. I ask why this so hard?]  I don’t know.  Specimen #1 was two weeks.  That was the soonest.  Specimen #2 was about three or four weeks.  So the average…I don’t really have an average.  I think the longest time was probably a month and a half, maybe two months. [I say there are just too many maybes in her answer.  I am not convinced.]  I’m going to clear up something.  The first one was someone I already knew.  [She’s trying to explain the two weeks.]  He’s still on call.  All I have to do it press the “easy” button.  He is always willing to oblige.  [It seems like it might not be a bad idea to have someone at the other end of the “easy” button…the laughter is deafening now.] 

Q15 (Follow-up):  [I have to ask.]  Was it worth it to have someone on the other side of the “easy” button?

Honeysuckle:  [There is too much hesitation.]  Yeah [Her head is cocked to the side.]  It would’ve been better if…I don’t know…I had tried not to second guess myself.  I don’t regret anything that I’ve done.  It would have been better or even refreshing if any of them turned out to be worth their salt.  [I stop laughing.]

Q16:  Has a person ever told you that you weren’t what they expected?  How did you handle the situation?

Honeysuckle:  Nope.  No they haven’t.

Q17 (Follow-up):  Really, never? Come on.

Honeysuckle:  No, I haven’t had that issue, other than me being taller than them.  That’s the only thing. [I state that this had to be because they lied about their height. She nods yes.]  Exactly.  It wasn’t me.

Q18:  Let’s hear about your most memorable dates.  Tell me about at least two that you’ll never forget.

Honeysuckle:  [She leans her head back.]  I’ve probably had two…I’ve had a lot of good first ones.  I would say one of my most memorable ones was with this guy I met.  Our first date…We went to a jazz concert.  But the most memorable date was when this man invited me to dinner at his home.  He was going to cook.  I was a little hesitant, but I finally agreed.  So when I got there, I took pictures of his car license plate, a picture of his house number, and then I sent a text of his address to about three people and told each of them to call me periodically to check on me.  But it ended up being a great time because he had a beautiful home.  We went out back to his gazebo.  He cooked lots of food and he made sangria from scratch.  We ended the night by watching a movie in the theater room.  Then, I went home.

Q19 (Follow-up):  What, no physical contact after this fabulous date?

Honeysuckle:  He was good.  Couple of kisses.  That was all.  He was good, but in the end I found out that it he was one of the ones with a police record.  See? [No, I didn’t see that coming.]  Every time I get my hopes up, I end up back at square one.  Back to the drawing board guess you could say.

Q20:  [I almost don’t want to ask this question now.] What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you on a date?

Honeysuckle:  I haven’t had anything really bad happen.  I can’t say anything about the worst thing because nothing really that bad has ever happened.

Q21:   What’s the absolute best thing that’s ever happened to you on a date?

Honeysuckle:  Someone took me to a concert to see New Edition.  That was pretty cool. [I ask how her about the show.]  The show was awesome.  [Then, I ask her about the guy.]  He was okay.  I knew what his end game was.  S-E-X.  I knew that already.  [I ask, “So you went anyway?”]  Yes, I just wanted to go to the show.

Q22:  Tell me about any regrets you have related to the online dating experience. 

Honeysuckle:  Hummm, I’m trying to think.  Yeah I do second guess certain things.  I think maybe I should have…When I first started online dating…There’s a big difference in how I approached online dating initially and how I approach it now.  There are things I know now that I wished I’d known then such as, my attitude. [I ask her to explain.]  To take more of a lackadaisical attitude towards dating as opposed to putting all of my cards on the table upfront or too early.  The only regret I have and advise women not to do is when you meet someone that you think is promising, do not take down your profile until he takes his down or take them down at the same time.

Q23 (Follow-up):  Why do you think this is important?

Honeysuckle:  Because I learned my lesson.  I don’t even know how to answer it.  [She looks distressed.] Let’s just say I learned the hard way.

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