I’m going to do something that’s very difficult and uncomfortable for me. I’m going to try to write about the kind of change that I really don’t want to write about or even think about. I tried to do it before, but it felt like I was peeking around the corner with just one eye open while gripping the wall to steady myself. I couldn’t take another step closer. I didn’t have it in me to even stay still long enough to focus on what was happening. All I could manage was a glimpse of it. Then, I had to turn away. But I can’t keep turning away and closing my eyes anymore. It’s all around me now. The loss of a loved one has a way of demanding your attention no matter how hard you try to turn from it.
This is the permanent kind of change my family is dealing with right now. Let me just get this out. My husband loss both of his parents in the past six months. It’s only been a week since his father transitioned. I couldn’t even cry until now. We were with his mother during her last stages in October. I tired to write about the experience we had with his mother (Mom Alice) at some point during the fall, but I couldn’t–not really. I just left it–unwritten. Now, here we are again, and I’m still unable to write freely about it. In fact, I don’t know when I’ll be able to do it.
But here’s what I can say…I don’t want my husband to feel that he’s alone. He’s the kind of person who has been there for so many others. He’s a truly giving person, and most of the time, I think he’s given to others while expecting nothing in return. Now he needs support. I’m hopeful that there are a least a few people who will show him the same kindness that he’s shown others. He has me, but I think he needs the comfort of more arms wrapped around him. He hasn’t said this to me, but I know.
I keep wondering what he’s feeling. He seems the same on the outside. He smiles the same smile I’ve loved from the beginning, but I know there’s something neither of us is experienced with underneath. We’re in unfamiliar territory. So I keep asking him. I keep watching him. I keep listening to him. I keep praying for us. I don’t want to push him to share if he’s not ready, but I also don’t want him burying his feelings too deeply either. As I said, this kind of change won’t allow you to turn away forever. At some point, it will catch up and you will have to turn to face it.